Today I Rocked You

Today, I rocked you.

And as I sit here looking at your rosy cheeks, and long eyelashes, listening to each sweet smelling breath you take, I wonder- Was it all worth it?

Was choosing to be a stay at home mom worth it?

Was finishing college only to be isolated to the house worth it?

Was living through poverty, and at the end of each month only having crackers, peanut butter, and bananas to feed you worth it?

Was feeling alone while battling and overcoming depression worth it?

Was being exhausted, pregnant and desperate for rest, and resorting to daily building a pallet blockade to lay on as an effort to keep your 4 year old and 2 year old twin brothers barricaded in one room all worth it?

I know there was laundry. And crying. And diapers. A lot of diapers. There was fighting and messes and a lot of watching other people do the “fun stuff,” knowing that we couldn’t afford it. There was the no internet and no TV years.

But instead of lingering on the hard memories, I choose to remember the good.

It was worth it.  It was all worth it.

Instead of just the memory of you dumping an entire bottle of shampoo on the playroom floor, I choose to remember the giggles that I heard while you “ice skated” in it.

I choose to remember the pride in your eyes as you showed me your “makeup” AKA fingernail polish on your eyelids.

I choose to remember the playdates. Where I would go for my once a month adult interaction with other girls who became friends.

I choose to remember your excitement when you did the monkey bars for the first time.

I choose to remember the picnics, the cuddles, the adventures, the mud fights, and the bike rides.

I choose to remember the giggles, the first steps, the spontaneous swim toys in the bathtub, and “let’s make cookies” moments.

To remember the puzzles and books and fingerpaint pictures. And to remember hearing you lead church service for your stuffed animals.

Right now, less than a week away from your 4th birthday, I feel these days slowly slipping away, and I find myself holding on tighter.

To the memories.

And reminding myself that today it’s ok to rock you. Because all too soon these days of rocking you will become mere memories.

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