Struggling With the Guilt That I Didn’t Know Would Come With A Miscarriage

ultrasound picsStruggling With the Guilt That I Didn’t Know Would Come With A Miscarriage

I’ve previously written a post about my miscarriage and how it affected me personally- the loss, the physical pain, and finding support. This post is more about my emotions involving the way I viewed myself in relation to others.

 

Comparing my loss to others loss. I couldn’t work through this. When I compared my loss to someone else’s, the feeling of guilt would just grow and become overwhelming. I sometimes felt as though I didn’t deserve to grieve because I do have other children. I have already been blessed. My loss felt minor. I have friends who have lost children. Friends who have had multiple miscarriages. Friends who can’t get pregnant at all. Knowing this, I felt as though I shouldn’t grieve but should instead be thankful that I already have children. And I am thankful to have children. But I also had to realize that just because I have other children doesn’t make my loss little. My pain is just different than someone else who has had multiple miscarriages. My pain is different than someone who has lost a child or spouse. If you want to read more on that, I encourage you to read “Tear Soup.”

Mixed emotions with a close next pregnancy. I really, really struggled with this one. This one was full of mixed emotions for me that I couldn’t and still can’t sort through.   I conceived Beau 5 months after I miscarried. I’m sure you can do that math. That means that if I wouldn’t have miscarried then I wouldn’t have Beau. This first week of August is the week that my miscarried baby would have been due. It is also the same week that I found out the gender of Beau. My heart wanted to grieve the loss, but I also wanted to celebrate Beau. I felt as though it wasn’t fair to Beau for my heart to be sad. But I also felt that it wasn’t fair to the baby for me to just go on and not remember. I am thankful that God blessed me with that sweet baby and I can just pray that the baby could feel my love while he/she was in my tummy for those 9 weeks. Likewise, I am thankful that God blessed our family with Beau and I can only pray that he will feel my love during his lifetime.

Jealousy over pregnant friends. This was so hard. I had quite a few friends and acquaintances who were pregnant and having babies about the time I should have. It was so hard to be happy for them without being jealous. Without feeling as though all of those cute Facebook pregnancy announcements were rubbing in the fact that I had lost my baby. In my heart I knew that wasn’t the case, but it still hurt to see others happiness in the midst of my heartache. It took a while, but I finally came to peace with it and my feelings of jealousy turned to happiness for a sweet time in their lives. Honestly, I just had to distance myself from Facebook for a couple of months.

Guilty feeling like I “wished it away.”   My miscarriage baby was not planned. When we found out, both Ryan and I were beyond nervous and felt like we weren’t ready for that responsibility. However, after the initial shock and fear, I became beyond excited to have another gift from God. Once I miscarried, I felt guilt and anger. As though we had almost wished the baby away by not initially feeling ready. We both knew the joy and love that come with having a baby. We also know the responsibility and struggles of raising that baby. I feared that God thought we weren’t grateful for the gift of another child and that because of those feelings, God took that baby away. I know that feeling that way was far from the truth. I think it was just part of the guilt. I wanted something to blame, so I blamed myself. God has a huge plan for our lives, and sometimes we just don’t understand it.

Fear and anxiety when pregnant again. Getting pregnant again was so scary. Every time I went to the bathroom I just knew I would see blood. Each sonogram I had, I just knew the doctor would tell me there was no heartbeat. Each pain, contraction, anything even remotely resembling a miscarriage would just throw me into panic mode. It was so hard to just give my worries to God and say “I know you got this. Even if it doesn’t turn out how I want it.” Knowing that my life is in the palm of God’s hand and that I honestly don’t have any control was a challenge. Trusting and having faith was hard. But honestly, that was the only way my heart could find any sense of peace.

 

As I’ve said in another post, I don’t understand why we are played the cards we’re played. Why some have healthy babies, some have miscarriages, some born wealthy, some poor. I don’t understand life. It is too big for me to grasp. This makes me ever the more thankful to have a loving God who knows exactly what he’s doing.

 

If you have had a miscarriage, I would encourage you to share your loss and emotions with someone. Find support. Comment on here if you wish. There are a lot of stories on my other post I would encourage you to read also. You are loved. And you have a God who loves you enough that he gave up his son for you and for me.

 

 

“A person’s a person no matter how small.”

6 thoughts on “Struggling With the Guilt That I Didn’t Know Would Come With A Miscarriage

  1. Katy says:

    I struggled with how I grieved after my miscarriage. At the hospital, I was given a box of things from a ministry that reached out to women who had miscarriages. They had a support group on Facebook, which I joined. And a lot of the things the women shared in that group weren’t’ things that I was feeling, and I thought there was something wrong with me. I just wanted to grieve the right way. It wasn’t until I joined a grief support group that I realized that we all grieve differently, but we are allowed our grief and the way we grieve.

    • Molly says:

      I am struggling today. I really appreciate your posts. We just lost our baby this morning and I never imagined that it would be so painful emotionally and physically. I know that time will take care of everything but right now my husband and I are still in tears because it is so current. I was only about 6 weeks.. It wasn’t even really formed enough to see on the ultrasound so I’m not sure what happened. All I know is that I could literally feel all the pregnancy hormones just drain out of me…I could just feel something missing. It was an extremely evident feeling..an empty feeling that something was gone. The fear I experience now is horrid for a future pregnancy and I am blaming everything. I am a nurse on a oncology unit and blame the fact that maybe somebody had touched chemo and then touched a computer or anything which is just going to make me crazier. When I was pregnant I refused taking patients that had recent chemo because I didn’t want to risk touching their urine or waste..even with double chemo gloves on. I was actually ridiculed for this.I was so paranoid about everything. I cut caffeine immediately..I didn’t even take my steroid cream that I could take cause I knew it had a risk factor. I ate healthy and had been taking prenatal vitamins for months. I almost feel like I stressed so much about doing everything right…and now I’m blaming the fact that I had such high stress. I haven’t gotten over the guilt part. I don’t know if God will ever bless us with the gift of a child or if one will ever be able to grow in me..but I know I am very thankful for my husband and Gods plan and for posts like this. I hope to be able to talk to some people so we may lean on each other. much love to everyone.

      • Ashley says:

        Molly- I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I was like you- I was careful and healthy during the pregnancy that I miscarried. I made sure to exercise and eat a perfect pregnant diet. I took no medicine other than my vitamins. I’m not sure what happened. Try not to stress. I know that is much easier said than done! I will be thinking of you and your husband! Praying that yall will get to experience a full term healthy pregnancy and healthy baby!

  2. Rubi says:

    I lost my baby July 23, 2012 till this day i wonder what they looked like, was it my fault? Did god punish me? I wake every day wishing i could go back to change anything to have kept them safe. Iv’e wanted to a mother since i was a little girl and lost it after two weeks of seeing them and hearing the heart beat. I hold a box full the things i got for them and the ER release papers, and a letter I wrote to my angel asking for forgiveness. I feel like I failed so much, I see everyone having babies and getting married and can’t help but feel let behind like damaged goods. I know this I sound selfish, I just want to find meaning to my life and I feel that my angel was. I am still thinking if there i time for me to go to Therapy or find help?

    • Ashley says:

      The miscarriage is absolutely not your fault. It is not the result of your failures! You are most definitely not damaged goods, God wasn’t punishing you. We don’t always understand His plan, or timing or purpose. I don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t know why we are played the cards we are played. But I do know that you and I, we all have a purpose. We need to do our best with our own cards. I am so so sorry for your loss! I think therapy is a good option. Sometimes chemicals in our brains cause us to think depressed thoughts. And you can definitely become depressed after a miscarriage. I am thinking about you!!

  3. Stephanie says:

    I also have suffered the loss of Identical Twin Boys at 16 weeks 6 days on July 19 2015. with my new husband. I have 2 children from a previous marriage 14 and 5 years old. I never thought this would happen to me. Now with my new husband and this would have been his first time and the horribleness of everything that had happened to us and the loss of both of our sons has really done a number on both of us. But I want to TTC again and let him see the wonderfulness in all of it and let him no its not always this scary. I was sitting here crying today because I would be close to delivery now and here I am empty inside and its just such heartache and it makes me want to be angry with God when really I know its not anyones fault I guess because I thought because I was a good person and that I prayed that there was no way it could happen. I know kinda silly of me but I did. But here I am TTC again and I receive this scripture in an email from my mom and it really helped me and maybe someone else too.
    Today’s Scripture

    “And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new…”
    (Revelation 21:5, AMP)

    He Makes All Things New

    When God places a dream in your heart, when He puts a promise on the inside, He deposits within you everything you need to accomplish that dream. He wouldn’t give you the desire to do something without giving you the ability to fulfill it. In fact, scripture tells us that God gives us the desires of our heart. In other words, He puts the desire inside of us and then He works with us to bring it to pass.

    Oftentimes, people set out to accomplish their dreams, but they face a setback or disappointment, and then they feel like their time has passed. But let me tell you today, no matter where you’ve come from, no matter what’s happened, God wants to make you new. He wants to give you a “do over,” a fresh start. If you feel like you’ve missed opportunities in your life, if you feel like your time has passed, remember, today is a new day. If one dream has died, it’s time to dream a new dream.

    A Prayer for Today

    “Father, thank You for making all things new. I give You this day and invite You to have Your way in every area of my life. I choose to receive all of the promises You have in store for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

    Praying for all who have lost xoxoxo

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