I’ve previously written a post about my miscarriage and how it affected me personally- the loss, the physical pain, and finding support. This post is more about my emotions involving the way I viewed myself in relation to others.
Comparing my loss to others loss. I couldn’t work through this. When I compared my loss to someone else’s, the feeling of guilt would just grow and become overwhelming. I sometimes felt as though I didn’t deserve to grieve because I do have other children. I have already been blessed. My loss felt minor. I have friends who have lost children. Friends who have had multiple miscarriages. Friends who can’t get pregnant at all. Knowing this, I felt as though I shouldn’t grieve but should instead be thankful that I already have children. And I am thankful to have children. But I also had to realize that just because I have other children doesn’t make my loss little. My pain is just different than someone else who has had multiple miscarriages. My pain is different than someone who has lost a child or spouse. If you want to read more on that, I encourage you to read “Tear Soup.”
Mixed emotions with a close next pregnancy. I really, really struggled with this one. This one was full of mixed emotions for me that I couldn’t and still can’t sort through. I conceived Beau 5 months after I miscarried. I’m sure you can do that math. That means that if I wouldn’t have miscarried then I wouldn’t have Beau. This first week of August is the week that my miscarried baby would have been due. It is also the same week that I found out the gender of Beau. My heart wanted to grieve the loss, but I also wanted to celebrate Beau. I felt as though it wasn’t fair to Beau for my heart to be sad. But I also felt that it wasn’t fair to the baby for me to just go on and not remember. I am thankful that God blessed me with that sweet baby and I can just pray that the baby could feel my love while he/she was in my tummy for those 9 weeks. Likewise, I am thankful that God blessed our family with Beau and I can only pray that he will feel my love during his lifetime.
Jealousy over pregnant friends. This was so hard. I had quite a few friends and acquaintances who were pregnant and having babies about the time I should have. It was so hard to be happy for them without being jealous. Without feeling as though all of those cute Facebook pregnancy announcements were rubbing in the fact that I had lost my baby. In my heart I knew that wasn’t the case, but it still hurt to see others happiness in the midst of my heartache. It took a while, but I finally came to peace with it and my feelings of jealousy turned to happiness for a sweet time in their lives. Honestly, I just had to distance myself from Facebook for a couple of months.
Guilty feeling like I “wished it away.” My miscarriage baby was not planned. When we found out, both Ryan and I were beyond nervous and felt like we weren’t ready for that responsibility. However, after the initial shock and fear, I became beyond excited to have another gift from God. Once I miscarried, I felt guilt and anger. As though we had almost wished the baby away by not initially feeling ready. We both knew the joy and love that come with having a baby. We also know the responsibility and struggles of raising that baby. I feared that God thought we weren’t grateful for the gift of another child and that because of those feelings, God took that baby away. I know that feeling that way was far from the truth. I think it was just part of the guilt. I wanted something to blame, so I blamed myself. God has a huge plan for our lives, and sometimes we just don’t understand it.
Fear and anxiety when pregnant again. Getting pregnant again was so scary. Every time I went to the bathroom I just knew I would see blood. Each sonogram I had, I just knew the doctor would tell me there was no heartbeat. Each pain, contraction, anything even remotely resembling a miscarriage would just throw me into panic mode. It was so hard to just give my worries to God and say “I know you got this. Even if it doesn’t turn out how I want it.” Knowing that my life is in the palm of God’s hand and that I honestly don’t have any control was a challenge. Trusting and having faith was hard. But honestly, that was the only way my heart could find any sense of peace.
As I’ve said in another post, I don’t understand why we are played the cards we’re played. Why some have healthy babies, some have miscarriages, some born wealthy, some poor. I don’t understand life. It is too big for me to grasp. This makes me ever the more thankful to have a loving God who knows exactly what he’s doing.
If you have had a miscarriage, I would encourage you to share your loss and emotions with someone. Find support. Comment on here if you wish. There are a lot of stories on my other post I would encourage you to read also. You are loved. And you have a God who loves you enough that he gave up his son for you and for me.
“A person’s a person no matter how small.”