My twins are starting kindergarten. Kindergarten. And I am anxious.
Not only am I anxious for that first day like any other mom. That big step. Making friends. Sitting still, taking turns and lining up. Earning grades. A full day of school. Wondering if the teacher will love him like I do. Is he going to get picked on? Will he be the one picking on others?
No, I am also anxious because I feel like it’s the first day of their independence. Not just independence from me, but independence from each other. The first day of a road in which they won’t just be “the twins.” Their names won’t always be stuck together “Ryder and Camden.” Now they will be “Ryder,” and “Camden,” separately.
In the 2000ish days of their life’s, they have only spent 2 days apart. Only 2 nights in separate bedrooms. And they had an incredibly hard time saying bye to each other on those 2 days.
They are beyond best friends. Their bond can’t be explained. And while I know their bond won’t be broken in kindergarten, I know it will change.
Now they will be competing against each other. Because, let’s just face it, I am raising competitive boys, and who are they most competitive with? That’s right, each other.
I am anxiously awaiting that first report card, when one of them brings home higher grades. I am anxiously awaiting team tryouts as they get older when one makes the team, and the other might not.
I’m anxious that one will thrive, while one sinks back into the shadows.
I’m anxious that one will be known as “the good kid” while one is known as “the handful.”
I’m anxious that one will have loads of friends, while one has none.
I’m anxious about comforting one of them when his brother gets invited to a birthday party and he doesn’t.
I’m anxious that they will be constantly compared. Not just by their teachers and friends, but by each other.
I have been anxious about this, for their whole life. And now it is here. Looking me straight in the face.
I know that kindergarten will be great for them. I know they will each be able to develop their own skills and start seeing each other as individuals. I know they will probably miss each other and that at the end of their day apart they will have a lot to talk about- and hopefully fight less! They have a total love-hate relationship right now, and I hope that time away from each other will just strengthen the love part of that relationship.
When I look at them, I still see those newborn twins who would hold hands while nursing. Or who would poke each other in the face before they could even crawl. I see the little boys who have always managed to make messes and get into things. Together.
I have done my best to raise them knowing that they are different people. With different talents and abilities. With different personalities and strengths. But at the end of most days, they want to be so much alike. At the end of most days, when they are having their nightly slumber party in their bedroom, I can’t help but think about the challenge of parenting them while they’re becoming independent of each other. I’m so nervous.
But I am so excited for them and I can not wait to look that challenge in the face and say Bring It On.
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