He dropped me off at the front doors of Walmart and jokingly said “call me when you’re done and I’ll pick you up Baby Mama!” It nearly knocked me off my feet. “That’s not funny” I thought to myself as I went in to buy some Tampons. I should have started last week. He had no clue that his joke might actually be a reality.
I hopped back in the car and he saw what was in my bag. “When are you supposed to start?” He asked. “Last week.” I whispered.
With his eyes as big as sand dollars we had a silent ride back to his house. Silence was our theme that evening. He finally broke it and asked that question that I never thought I would hear as a 19 year old. “Do you think you’re pregnant?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it.”
-a few more hours of silence-
He couldn’t handle it. “Well if you are, then I want to know. NOW. We are going back to buy a test.”
“I am not going into Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. What if someone sees me?” I had a good girl reputation. I was the definition of a church pew baby. In High School, I spent my weekend nights at church playing video games, watching movies, and playing tackle spoons. I didn’t go to parties. I had never tasted alcohol. I stood up for my faith. I had been a church camp counselor all summer. I COULD NOT BE PREGNANT.
“If you won’t go in, then I will.” He said and we drove back to Walmart.
I took the test and it looked negative. I mean, there was one dark pink line and one that you could barely see. We both thought it was a no. He was thrilled! And I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time that day. I could finally breathe for the first time that week.
That night, back at my apartment, it just kept nagging at me, so I googled pictures of pregnancy tests. Mine was exactly like all of the ones that said “Positive” at the bottom of the picture. Oh. My. Gosh.
How am I supposed to tell him? He will be so mad! He was excited when he thought it was negative.
And my parents. What will I tell them??
What will his parents think of me? What will my parents think of him?
Fear. Shame. Guilt. I was entering into the most shameful moments in my life.
I forced myself not to think about it and decided to wait until the next day before completely losing it.
Long story short, the following day I told him that I had Googled and I thought our test was actually positive. He got up off the couch and was gone for about 30 minutes. I finally walked into his room to find him staring at a computer screen full of pictures of positive pregnancy tests.
We took like 20 more pregnancy tests that were all positive. We searched out a Pregnancy Center and 2 days later, on Monday, we went to find out what on earth we were supposed to do. They did counseling. Told us to make an appointment with our OB, and they told us to tell our parents. They gave us ideas on how to tell them.
On the way home he said “well would you like to stop at the mall and look at wedding rings?”
“Marriage??” I thought to myself. “I’m a sophomore in college. I can’t be responsible enough to become a wife. But wait, I am now a mom. I have a baby growing inside of me.” My world felt like it was ending.
But my world was changing.
So many emotions. So many questions.
I was embarrassed. My reputation is completely ruined. Tainted. I am now “that girl.”
“That girl” that I might have judged while I was in High School. “That girl” who is just another teen mom statistic. “That girl” who some people might view as trashy or slutty. “That girl” who is gossiped about behind her back. “That girl” who is a disappointment to her family and embarrassment to her friends.
How am I supposed to tell my Christian parents that I am pregnant?
I am the oldest sibling. I am supposed to set a good example for my little brother and sister. Be someone who they can look up to. I am a failure.
I was mad. I knew a lot of people were having sex. But none of them got caught. None of them got pregnant. Why me? Why did I have to be the one whose sin is made public?
Why would God do this to me? I had served Him and loved Him my whole life. People knew I followed Christ.
Why did I even put myself into this situation? I knew what having sex could lead to. Why did I think that I was above an out of wedlock pregnancy?
I was scared. I was scared of marriage. I wasn’t the girl who sat around day dreaming about her wedding dress and ring. I had never yearningly looked at pictures of wedding rings like some of my friends had. I didn’t know how to be a wife.
I was scared of being a mom. I had never been around babies. I could hardly keep myself alive. If given the choice of babysitting or mowing lawns for a summer job, I would choose mowing.
What would this do to my college plans? To my dreams? A baby is going to completely change who I am. Who I can be. How would my body change? Would childbirth hurt?
How can we afford this?
Not to mention, a month after finding out we were pregnant, I found out my baby had a birth defect which threw a whole new fear and emotional twist into things.
We would also be moving. Away from friends and family. (Moving at first gave me a little anxiety, but ended up being the best possible thing for our marriage)
The story of the adulterous woman in the Bible became what I clung to. Which is Ok. I guess. But now I see that I was so caught up in just being the sinner. Period. The sinner. And yelling at others (in my head) “you without sin cast the first stone!!! Don’t judge me!!!” But why? Because in my mind I couldn’t get past just being “the sinner.” Now I wish that I would have seen that I could/can be the sinner with more to her story. I can be more than just the adulterous woman. I can be Rahab. I can be David. I can be Peter. I can be Paul. I am a sinner. And God can use sinners, sinners like me.
If you have read this far, (then awesome!) but I just want to say that if you have felt the shame of public sin, or the guilt of private sin, please know that your story doesn’t have to end there. You are more than your sin. You can break free from it. That doesn’t have to define you. And God still loves you, and he can and will still use you to do great things.
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