We have had 4 “first” ultrasounds. Three of which ended with the nurse calling the doctor in to meet with us. I have never really talked about the third one. To anyone. It was probably the most painful, hopeless, and helpless ultrasound I’ve had. This has been our “first” ultrasound experience:
1st ultrasound- Doctor was called in to tell us that baby had a birth defect.
2nd ultrasound- Doctor was called in to tell us that we were having identical twins
3rd ultrasound- Doctor was called in to confirm that the baby had died, and I would miscarry once my body recognized it
4th ultrasound- No Doctor!
On this day, the day after Christmas, two years ago, I had a miscarriage. It came after almost two long emotional weeks of hoping for it to not happen, but knowing it would. I didn’t have much Christmas spirit that year. I know not many people know I had one, but here are 5 things I never knew about miscarriages until I had one:
It really is a loss.
Like, it really does hurt. This was probably the biggest shocker. It’s not just a small little loss that you will just “get over.” I always just thought “aww that stinks” when I would hear people talk about having a miscarriage. I mean, I knew it was really sad, but my ignorant, little brain couldn’t understand why someone would be so upset for losing a baby that they had never known. Until now, I never understood.
I get it now. It hurts, and you can’t describe it. You will never meet that baby. Never be able to tell the baby how much you love him or her. Hold the sweet fingers, stroke soft hair, kiss the little cheeks. Never rock or sing your baby to sleep. I think what was hardest for me was just hoping that my baby knew how much love I had for him or her, but knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to tell or show my love.
A first trimester miscarriage is not always “like a period.”
For some reason, I have no clue why, I just assumed that having a first trimester miscarriage would be like starting my period. Just a little blood, and everything would be done with. It was not like that at all. I felt like I was in labor. I had contractions for 20 hours over a 3 day period. Not just little contractions, but full blown, painful, every 2-5 minutes, can’t breathe contractions.
The first night was the worst. Lots of blood, and the on call nurse was about ready to send us into the ER. I was starting to get cold and dizzy. I am very thankful that Ryan was right there with me. Helping me change clothes or bedding all night long. He didn’t hesitate or complain at all and stayed up with me all night long, even though he had to leave at 8am for a basketball tournament. His support was huge.
Having more kids doesn’t take the pain away.
After my miscarriage, I had this feeling that having another baby would take the pain away. This isn’t true. Having another baby is distraction, but not a pain reliever (and no, this isn’t why we conceived Beau- he was a nice little surprise).
You will think of that baby daily.
This Christmas season marks 2 years since my miscarriage, and there still hasn’t been a day go by that I don’t think of my baby. I wonder what that baby would be like today. Would it have blonde or brown hair, would it have blue eyes like its brothers? Would it be calm, shy, and quiet, or loud and outgoing? Is that baby “my girl”? What name would we have given it? So many questions left unanswered. While I feel like I am out of the frequent crying outbursts part of my grieving, I still wonder. I know I will always wonder.
Finding support is important.
This one might be the most important. I absolutely hate to feel needy or talk to people about my issues. This one took me being broken. I know that I could have done a better job of seeking out support or someone to talk to, and I would really encourage anyone who experiences a miscarriage to find someone to talk to. You are not alone.
I didn’t tell many people. We told our family, I told very few of my close friends, and I also told a few people who I worked with at the bank. One of these ladies gave me the name of another girl I knew who had been through 2 miscarriages.
I’m sure that she doesn’t realize just how comforting it was to be able to talk to her, and know that she knew exactly what I was feeling. I texted her several times, and she was very honest with me on what to expect, how I would probably feel, after effects, and trying to emotionally heal. She texted me a lot of bible verses that helped her get through it. She also recommended reading Heaven is for Real, which I totally recommend reading, too. Reading that book just made me cry. And crying was what I needed. I needed to grieve, to acknowledge the loss, and spend some time to myself.
Making myself believe that I didn’t do something to cause a miscarriage has been hard. But I know its true. That was my most healthy pregnancy. I didn’t take any medicine, I followed a great diet, and tried to make sure I was exercising. The miscarriage still happened.
Here are a couple of the bible verses my friend gave me. If you are going through this, then I encourage you to read these and I pray that somehow your heart can find a little peace. Feel free to add your own verses in the comments!
Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…”
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
“Once you are real, you can’t become unreal, it lasts for always.” Velveteen Rabbit
EDITING TO ADD: Thank you all so much for your comments and sharing your stories. While it makes me hurt with you to see your experiences, I really appreciate it. I know that each story shared can relate to and bless someone else. Thank you!
God Bless you all!
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